“Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
When I first found out I miscarried, I instantly blamed myself, assuming the failure to carry this pregnancy was something I did (or did not) do. I analyzed every detail of the months leading up to conceiving. I obsessed over the days I was pregnant. What went wrong? How did I fuck this up?
There are two parts of my brain: Miss Logical and Miss Emotional. Miss logical knows there is nothing that could have stopped the inevitable. Nonetheless, she also reminds me that I took poor care of myself. This is not the inherent cause of my loss, but I am saddened and deeply ashamed. Hindsight is 20/20.
Miss Emotional, my subconscious, shouts from beneath the surface. She is pissed that I neglected myself. She scolds me. Changes are in order - they're necessary. I had so little control in that moment, but I can choose - I can make the conscious choice - to change aspects of my life.
I started by turning my back on processed and refined foods (both frozen and boxed), dairy, all grains and what products, legumes, and sugar. This leaves me with the most pure and whole foods: vegetables, fruits, good fats, seeds/nuts and proteins. I went "Paleo" (click to read) in essentially the strictest sense. I did not view this change as temporary - this as a milestone in my lifestyle. I view this as a concrete place to which I will not stray from.
The diet change alone (diet meaning food choices, not restrictions) has been amazing. Aside from losing almost 30 pounds and 6 percent body fat, I am sleeping much better. Eight hours a night or more! This is revolutionary for me: even with Ambien prescribed by my doctor I was sleeping 4 hours a night. Moreover, my concentration has shot through the roof. I've been able to stop taking my ADHD medication. I have energy - tons of it, and it is not fueled by sugar or caffeine or miracle potions: it's fueled because I am eating only healthy/pure/whole foods. The outcome is remarkable. I am efficient. I feel...good. I stand behind my decision to change my eating habits, but this is so much more: it's a lifestyle for me. I am consistently working out 3-4 times a week, and reaping the benefits.
Lately I have reached a new place - a defining moment. When you first give up grains/dairy/processed food, your body is in shock. Truly. You almost feel like you have the flu because your body cannot handle functioning without the fuel is it used to. But slowly over a week or so, your body rewires itself. Literally. For me, the cravings were tolerable, but I pined for bread. I missed bread - but I did not miss the way I felt on it. I told myself that if I ate super clean for a few more weeks, I could have a "cheat" meal. Sounds fair, right?
Those weeks passed. The day of my cheat meal arrived. And suddenly...I did not want it. I did not miss it. I did NOT crave it. I have reached a place where my body rejects the idea of processed or refined food. It shrinks into itself at the idea of a non-paleo food choice. It's kind of cool to see ice cream or a beautiful cocktail and think, "Eh. I don't want it. Where's my kale salad and glass of water?" Literally. It is a very defining moment to think that I am so serious about my health and making positive changes that the things that dragged me down (unhealthy food) is no longer an issue.
It's one thing to restrict yourself from a food choice; it's another thing entirely to rise above that and reject the thing you once craved. I am not advocating every person in the world go Paleo. That is not going to happen. But I am advocating that the fuel you put in your body, how you sleep, and how you exercise can impact your overall health, mood, and energy in fundamental ways.
It is making me happy. It's making me smile to know when I am ready to be pregnant again, when I am ready to be vulnerable, my body will act as a temple - preserving itself to be in the best place possible to carry a new life. I'm excited about this.
Today I am thinking of baby Borchgrevink. I am thinking about he or she; what I would have wanted them to know. It is a hard day because I was supposed to see the o/b today. Why I did not delete O/B appointments from my cell phone calendar is beyond me. But this morning, however, when my phone reminded me - I felt crushed. And it was sad. Truly heartbreaking. It reminded me of the darkness behind grief. I cannot return there - I can't!
And yet, I am also thinking of the things to come. I am thinking of my afternoon with Emma when I pick her up from preschool. I am thinking of her smiling face, seeing her light up with joy.
This is how I will put myself back together: I will embrace what I have, and remember what I have lost. I will love with a fiery passion and I will always remember the baby we were meant to have. I will change the things that made me sad, and I will take time for myself. I will forgive and not be hardened. My arms with ache to hold what is lost, but I take comfort in my heart that is full of love and grace for those around me. It is bittersweet. It is painful. It is gut wrenching. But I must feel this to move forward.
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