At 7:16 a.m., Emma pounced in my Den Of Warmth AKA my bed. Small children are insanely precious at times. They're ever so purposeful in all that they do. The have an intense sense of intuition, and oftentimes, between the grime and messes and poop, they do things that bring such peace to your life. Maybe it's just me. Who knows?
Her feet like popsicles against my back, Emma whispered, "Mommy, I am not going to school today." Ah, that's why she's being so sweet! You see, yesterday Emma had a very "spirited" day at preschool. When I arrived to pick Emma up, her teacher was almost in tears. She looked exasperated and frustrated. I truly did feel for her. Teaching preschool is very demanding and requires a great deal of patience, love, and energy.
Walking into the classroom, Emma ran to my arms. She fell forward, a mess of tears and snot and leftover cookie crumbs. With a deep vengeance, Emma pointed her finger and yelled, "Mommy, Miss Elriva ("Miss Elvira"), put me in time out! So rude! She is so sad!" She stamped her foot, condemning the sweet teacher. "You need to go to time out! Go see your mommy. Emma will not listen to you!"Gulp. Golly gee! Could the floor please swallow me? Embarrassment and horrified do not begin to describe my reaction.
Emma is having a problem using her listening ears and looking eyes. Part of this stems from the fact her classroom does not have an attached bathroom, so when she needs to go potty, one of her teachers has to venture out to take her to the bathroom down the hall. Whilst doing so, Emma runs away and hides. She will not come back into the classroom, and yells in the hallway, thus disrupting other classrooms. In this particular instance, when her teachers managed to wrangle her back in, she was placed in time out. Emma responded by morphing into Demon Toddler. She kicked, wailed, and cried. She roared with rage, demanding her blankie, and declaring she was "not going to sit in time out." Sigh. I came in on the tail end of it.
While I do sympathize with her teachers, I don't think they handled it properly. They punished her in front of the class, and they told me this happens a lot. When I asked to see logged documentation, they had none to give me. When I asked why Emma was receiving daily report sheets stating "played well and listened", if she was not doing the former, I was not really given a straight answer. Her teachers are very sweet, but they're also elderly and from a different generation. They expect Emma to listen the first time. While this would be great in a perfect world, Emma needs consistency, firmness, and you must mean what you say and say what you mean. Sounds like a lot, I know.
Long story even longer: I was not pleased, and Kevin and I had a very strict discussion with her. We told her she has to apologize to her teacher, and when she does not listen - she loses privileges that are in the near future (such as taking away a favorite toy or staying home from the park).
While some children are docile and well behaved, Emma is extremely challenging. She is consistently questioning authority, pushing the limits, trying to strike the boundaries. She is a white hot flame bursting with energy and spunk. She is also very stubborn and strong willed: rarely does she back down from anything in life. She even stands up for not only herself, but other children. Oddly enough, she is always the "mother hen" of the playgroup, and has much empathy for others. I see so much good in her, but her fierceness scares me at times. There are times to blaze your own path, but there are also times to listen and absorb. I am not sure how to teach her these things.
Anyway: back to my birthday.
It's come to my attention that not everyone likes pity parties. This, admittedly, kicked me in the gut because I’m throwing the biggest one of 2012. Haven’t you heard? I’m even dedicating a blog in which I spill the details of what it’s like to fall in love with a pregnancy and then, gasp!, miscarry right after you told everyone how utterly thrilled you are (insert "It's my party" by Leslie Gore).
The irony, oh the irony.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I made a joke to a friend. “While all of
y’all were on Pinterst weaving fall baskets and recycling your urine into super
cool crafts, I was so crafty I have freaking life inside me. Hell yeah!”
Then the shit hit the fan. But anyway, happy birthday to me!
I’m 23 and have yet to kick the bucket so that’s something to celebrate.
In all seriousness, I am canceling my pity party for today. Though I am still feeling an immense amount of grief and anger, I am starting to realize I cannot let this consume me. It's easier said than done. I'm stuck in this crappy place. Maybe it's like that for alcoholics: they know what they're doing is not healthy and probably will have negative outcomes, but they continue to drink anyway. This is not to say my situation is the same as an alcoholic, but to identify that when you're in pain and in a shitty place in your life, or maybe making choices you know aren't beneficial, you can have the cognitive differentiation to comprehend they're not positive choices.
For instance, I know wallowing in my grief and ignoring everyone around me is not beneficial. But guess what? I can't do anything else! A friend texted me last night saying I needed to get out in order to heal, and I appreciate her honesty - I do, but I am in such a crappy place right now that I cannot tell if it was tough love or her being insensitive.
Yeah - I'm that warped. I want to believe it came from a good place. She is my friend, and I consider her to be a close one. I think she was trying to be helpful, but I felt so freaking defensive about it.
In that regard, I am making choices and thinking thoughts that aren't productive. So for today, today I will cancel my pity party. I will answer my phone when people call (with the exception of the 7 I missed this morning due to my phone being on silent) and I will smile. I am going to do dishes, and the laundry. Emma is pretty sick, but I'm going to let her nap in my bed and watch movies with me.
I am going to celebrate the good things in my life. I am surrounded by loved ones and concerned friends. I have a beautiful little girl. I have a handsome hubby who I deeply love.
Even if I cannot ease the grief, anger, and devastation, I will ignore them for today and focus on what is worth celebrating. Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to meeeeee!
*Three positives from yesterday:
1) I aced three of my five finals. I have one ungraded and one to take Saturday.
2) Kevin and I had a very constructive conversation about our plans for 2013.
3) Emma counted to 23. Go Emma!
4) I only said the 'f' word about 2342423432 times instead of the usual 4346464862384623846234.
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