The waiting game

Something I've been surprised about is that there is so much pressure to make a decision. At this point, I'm sort of depleted of energy and don't-really-give-a-fuck so every decision feels...enormous. It's overwhelming and this chore that I have to force myself to do.

This includes showers, doing the dishes, and playing with Emma. Most worrisome to me is that Emma should be my top priority, but I've been reduced to this loser mom who lets Emma eat Lunchables all day, drink juice boxes, color wherever the hell she wants, and oh - we watch T.V. ALL DAY (insert cries of horror and shrieks of death).

Yes, in your local theaters I'm sure there will be an upcoming horror film about me: The Mom Who Killed Her Child's Soul.

I need to get on the ball. We've watched almost everything on netflix via instant play. It's just so much easier to lounge on the couch in our PJ's and eat unhealthy food.

I'm paralyzed by grief. I am not in denial; that stage lasted about 2.3 seconds. Instead, I most paralyzed because I have to choose if I am going to have a d&c or a natural miscarriage.

I'm sure you're confused at this point thinking, "But you already had a miscarriage?" In that sense - yes, I already did. But there are several different types of miscarriages - not just one. If you're curious, all the info is here. To save you some reading, however, the type of miscarriage we had is the following:

Missed Miscarriage: Women can experience a miscarriage without knowing it. A missed miscarriage is when embryonic death has occurred but there is not any expulsion of the embryo. It is not known why this occurs. Signs of this would be a loss of pregnancy symptoms and the absence of fetal heart tones found on an ultrasound.

And this sucks because it's this shitty purgatory spot to be. I know the fetus is dead (at around 8 and a half weeks or so), but it's still...inside me.I feel the weight of this decision. Once it's done, it's done: I cannot take it back, and if I fuck it up, then it'll haunt me forever. Vision of dead baby ghosts who are disappointed in me flash across my brain. Yeah, I'm that morbid.

What I find most odd, nonetheless, is I have had only spotting and light bleeding. Oh, and cramps from hell. And back pain like no other. But nothing else. The night I realized I was no longer pregnant, my back began to ache. I mean fucking ACHE. Like you're about to give birth. My husband cooked eggs and the smell didn't make me hurl. I went to pee and there was spotting. I instantly realized what was happening. We were losing the baby. Nature was fucking RIPPING our baby from my body. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. That's probably why you feel so helpless because as a mother, you want to do everything in your power to reverse the harm, and yet...you're sitting there bleeding, knowing the baby is no longer viable.

It's a hard pill to swallow. The doubt sets in. The seed is planted. You start to think, "If fucking 16 year olds on Teen Mom can get pregnant in a god damned corn field or crack addicts can deliver healthy babies, WHY THE HELL DID MY PREGNANCY JUST END?!" That's why I don't believe it's an act of God. I refuse to believe there is a God who steals babies from nice chicks to charted for a year and have already picked out a nursery theme. If so, screw you, ass. 

So we're waiting.

My doctor said I can have a miscarriage at home, naturally, or I can have a d&c (read the details

here).

Essentially though, in a d&c the procedure includes dilating your cervix and scraping everything out. Then all the contents is sucked up and thrown away. If you have a miscarriage at home, your body expels the contents of the pregnancy on its own. It is like a mini labor or a really, really, really, really bad period. It can last for days or be over in hours.

For some women, the d&c is the best option. They schedule an appointment and have the pregnancy removed (as it's already dead). They can move on with their life. They can start to heal. To others, the d&c is too invasive and unnecessary. They receive closure from having the miscarriage at home.

In my case, I do not want to have a d&c. Although I am pro-choice, this procedure seems too much like an abortion to me. I want a different path for my baby. Nature has already chosen my baby will die, but I want to trust my body and have faith it will know what to do. Moreover, I am so happy to live in a pro-choice country, where I have the right to choose what procedure I want. A woman must choose what is right for her; nobody can make that decision for you.

The hard part about waiting to have a miscarriage at home is the waiting. It's waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Your body will start to spot and you'll have terrible cramps...and then nothing. Nothing. Emotionally it's very hard, too. I know there is dead fetus inside me. My hopes and dreams are gone. I am carrying the heaviness of my loss. I’m suffocating beneath it, but I cannot bring myself to have a stranger suck the pregnancy out. It’s too much.

My body is fighting to keep the pregnancy intact because it's doing what it's supposed to do. It does not know the pregnancy is dead. Somewhere in all those nerves, muscle, blood, and systems my did not get the memo. It was lost in translation. I am trying to love my body because I know it’s doing what it is supposed to. I am trying to not be angry because it’s not my bodies fault. Sometimes pregnancies just…end. They never really get much of a start. 

But because we're waiting, I am stuck. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to do anything. I have so much anxiety thinking, "WHAT IF IT STARTS TO HAPPEN HERE?!!!!" I mean, it's ridiculous, but the thoughts are there.

The seed of doubt has been planted. No matter what happens in my life, the doubt will be there. I have so much self-doubt. It’s in everything I do. I am afraid to do anything because I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to feel the searing pain knowing I sucked at something millions of people can do. I was taking a final the other night, and I gave up. I gave up on myself and my 4.0 GPA. I just…walked out. I could not take it.

The grief and anger I have are talking, I know.

Did I mention I'm sucking at completing the goals I posted a few days ago? I don't have a mantra except for, "I don't want to get out of bed. Or shave my legs. Or check the mail." I haven't called a friend for coffee or gone to a play date. I have not noticed anything happy in my life. There is happiness - it's THERE. It's just BURIED and I'm doubtful and ridiculous and a huge fucking sloppy mess.

Sigh.

Today is a bad day. A really bad day. I need a giant coffee and my fetus back. Everything would be okay. If we're friends or you don't wish the shitiest death upon my soul, please let me know that I am being a big baby and life will be okay. At some point.