During the past few weeks, I've burned many bridges. I made rash decisions and acted upon pure emotion. I've said things I regret and failed to acknowledge those who deserved recognition. I subconsciously categorized friends into "those I can talk to" and "those I can't talk to".
Prior to our loss, I believed I had a firm grasp on who my friends are. Humans, however, constantly surprise me. There are friends I truly thought I could lean on for support that did not come through. It probably was not their fault; they're not able to help because they're not trained to. Simultaneously, however, there are individuals, even acquaintances, who have surprised me in the best of ways. They've provided comfort in the forms of an encouraging e-mail or offering helpful advice (and no: God is watching over your baby is NOT helpful advice, for the record).
There is one person who particularly caused me to ponder my own introspective. A few months ago, her and I dissolved our friendship. There was not much to begin with, and we weren't particularly close, but something was said and the friendship ended. Though it ended, both parties (her and I) do not regret this, and recognize it's for the best. I wish her all the best because in the grown up world, not everyone gets along. That's fine with me. This person, however, recently sent me an extremely kind text message. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear. I saw a part of her I had never seen! I saw a genuine, warm, and gracious person. Her and I texted back and forth for a bit; the conversation was not lengthy, but she knew where I was coming from. My walls came crumbling down.
This is not say allude her and I are best friends. We're not. We have not communicated since that day, but I was able to remove my goggles full of bias and examine my own actions.
I can be really harsh sometimes. I expect a lot from people. I am earnest, rash, and have a hard time sitting back before reacting. I focus on myself and what I need (as a person), and do not view the greater picture.
I am saddened that friendships I viewed as solid and concrete really aren't. This loss, however, has exposed areas of flaws and weakness within myself. These friendships suffered because I expect so much of people. By subconsciously categorizing friends into who I can or can't talk to about the miscarriage, I isolated myself and burned a lot of bridges. I had a really hard time seeing the kindness and well meaning in their words because I was so wrapped up in what I felt I *should* be hearing from them.
On the other hand, however, I'm glad to have had the chance to have powerful conversations with people I normally did not connect with. Humans are amazing. During times of sadness or loss, humans wrap their wings around others and do what they can. It may be something small like dropping off a bowl of soup, but every action is remarkable.
I'm realizing I am selfish and self absorbed. I'm coming to terms with my character flaws. There are numerous things I need to change. I have many fences to mend. I want to start, but I don't know how. Now that the miscarriage is over (the worst of it - the bleeding is really bad still), I am dedicated to moving forward and working on goals for myself. There are things I want to fix. There are things I want to work on before trying to get pregnant again.
I lack patience and understanding. I am judgmental and focus on the words rather than the meaning. I close myself off and build walls around myself because I'm angry and spiteful and would rather be by myself than act vulnerable. I feel so broken. The loss of this pregnancy has caused me to question my abilities as a mother, woman, and person. I am examining the core of my being and not liking what I see.
It's not that I don't like myself because I do, at times. But when I remove the veil and analyze how I interacted with others over the past few weeks, I see how much I isolated myself and refused to let anybody inside the gates surrounding my heart.
How am I supposed to be a good mother to Emma, wife to Kevin, and friend to others when I am so flawed? What on earth was I thinking bringing a child into the world when I lack much needed patience and the ability to set aside my emotions?
I want to move forward with my life. I want to change the things that are bugging me. I want to remove the part of me that was so hateful and empty, lacking all kindness and turning into this slithery, cold beast. I can never be that person again who screamed at their toddler or yelled at their husband over meaningless things. I can not be the person who bitches out a close friend for not "getting it".
I've burned bridges. I regret it. Please know I'm sorry. Please know I am working to change.
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