Here they are in case you don't feel like reading the novel that is my blog.
1) Wake up in the morning and write down three positive things about yesterday. It can be anything.
2) Make an effort to leave my home, even if to check the mail or go to the store for milk.
3) Call one of my friends for coffee (this seems terrifying to me. Oh lord.)
4) Start being productive around home. Do one load of laundry a day. Cook a meal. Mail off a few bills.
5) Make a list of those to Christmas shop for. I have not done ANYTHING in this department.
6) Have more patience. Stop being on edge.
7) Remind myself this is loss. It is nothing personal. Sometimes life sucks and I need a fucking huge ass nerd helmet. Hell, I'll even take head gear if it means I'll feel better.
8) Do something nice for myself. I am not sure what this is yet.
9) Plan something special to do with Kevin and Emma
10) Find a mantra. Memorize it. Repeat when I feel inadequate or things get pretty dark.
*I need to work on number one daily. Here it goes:
(1) Yesterday while driving home from my in laws house, Emma and I rolled down the windows. We listened to Semisonic's "Closing Time". On the chorus where it states, "I know who I want to take me home, I know who I want to take me home, take me home...", Emma would triumphantly yell, "MOMMY!" from the back seat, her arms raised in fists. Yeah - that's right: my kiddo thinks I am pretty cool. Don't mind if I take a bow here and there. (2) I talked to someone about something that hopefully will help them make better decisions in life. I won't elaborate on the conversation, but I think I shone some light on some conflicting things for them. It's not because I'm an expert or super smart: it's because I made the same decision (over and over) and wish someone had told me. (3) I fell asleep last night with the help of one sleeping pill. Usually it's 2-3. I'm not sure if my body shut down due to total exhaustion, but hey - I got 6 hours of sleep...until a certain toddler jumped on Kevin and I in mid-slumber, crushing Kevin's baby maker. LOL. It was pretty funny; Kevin was cowering under our covers begging me to remove her from our room. Poor hubster :-(
(2) I took Emma to preschool. And I went to target. I avoided going to Walmart because although Walmart is definitely cheaper (I needed photo paper), I looked so disgusting that I didn't want to end up on peopleofwalmart.com (seriously - it's real) Feel free to laugh here. Nobody has invested a sloppymomsoftarget website, so I'm pretty safe for now.
I have not called any friends. I don't know what to say. I'm so awkward and don't want to deal with the elephant in the room, aka the death of ginger fetus 2.0. I probably won't ever talk to anyone about it. It's such a buzzkill and it makes me pissy.
The rest of my goals aren't happening, but I did do a load of laundry. I just forgot to put it in the dryer. Or fold it. Or hang it up. So I need to add "complete laundry from start to finish" to my goals. It was an effort, RIGHT?
Find a mantra? Gee. How about all-I-want-for-Christmas-is-my-uterus-to-not-suck? Yeah. Sounds pretty catchy. I foresee advertisements piggy backing on that one, and making catchy jingles. Better yet, fertility centers should jump on this while it's not copy righted!
I kid, I kid.
All in all, today is not terrible. Emma is at preschool. I took two finals, dropped off a prescription, and swear to shower before picking her up. OR.....I could lounge on my couch in my PJs and watch LOST!
Sigh. Still waiting. I've always been terrible at waiting. I don't think we can get past this until something happens. It's this ugly thing between Kevin and I; it's always on my mind, and just when I forget for a brief moment I remember there is a dead baby in my uterus, and it's probably breaking apart. Christ almighty, I am so morbid. But it's true: those are my thoughts.
Off to shower and pick up my unruly bambina from school. I think deserves and ice cream and I'm 99.9 percent sure I degree a giant coffee with a healthy heaping of alcohol (...seriously, Starbucks is missing out on some lucrative sales, here!). In all seriousness, no liquor for me, but coffee is a must. I also promised Emma I would take her to the park.
We'll see how it pans out.
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