Incensed

I am feeling so many mixed emotions. Anger. Devastation. Grief. Emptiness. I am crying, brooding, sleepless, and being overly sensitive. Everything is an attack. Everything is a reminder. The guilt is suffocating me. I think of every cup of coffee or the ibuprofen I accidentally took as poison.

I am hard to be around. I am irritable and on edge. I am waiting for something to happen...and yet I don't know what it is.

I cannot make myself answer the phone. The shrill ring is a siren, over and over, and I cannot bring myself to simply pick it up. Say hello. It's too soon. If I do, my voice will crack and be chalky; all that will come forth is pain. It'll be messy. The silence is comforting, asking nothing of me, requiring so little.

I am primal. I am an autopilot. I am animalistic and living through instinct; evolution guides me in survival.

I have learned there are two types of people in the world: Those who know don't know what to say and those who do.

I am astounded by how insensitive and inappropriate others can be at times. I am angry they cannot understand how much this pregnancy meant to me - I was in love. Elated! Walking on clouds. I want to knock their teeth out and tell them to never come near another person experiencing grief. Do the world a favor and sew your lips shut. Better yet, wire your jaw closed.

On the other hand, I am moved by the overwhelming kindness, support, and comfort from others - even people I barely know. The e-mails, text messages, and facebook messages are rolling in. Most are moving and kind. I do not know how to respond to them, but I don't think I'm expected to. Oh, thanks for the e-mail! My uterus and I are great, just hanging out on the couch, weeping and feeling sorry for ourselves. Let me know if you want to join the pity party - I have tons of pity to share. Better yet, let's have a pity party playdate or a pity garage sale so everyone can be part of this event.

No? I didn't think so. So instead of being insanely inappropriate and hostile, I write nothing back, and hope they understand.

Miscarriage is a taboo topic. People mean well...but they don't know what to say. It's awkward, fumbling, and a time they're trying to comfort you so the words just fall out - but they're often inappropriate.

Look: I fucking know there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I get that. I know it's natures way of "fixing" things. Nevertheless, it does not make things any easier for me. It does not comfort me in the least.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this blog. I have not decided if  I can share this part of me with the world. It is ugly and broken. I am damaged. Who would want that? However, I need to say the following:

What NOT To Say To Someone Who Has Miscarried:

1. God has a plan for you. He knows all.
2. You have another child. Don't forget about her.
3.  Did you do something wrong? 
4.  Your baby is in heaven looking down on you.
5. You can try again
6.  (and my least favorite of all) There was something wrong with the baby. It's natures way of getting rid of unhealthy children.

Something shitty things happen to people. Sometimes you lose your baby. Sometimes life takes a big crap on you. I do not believe this happened for a reason. I don't believe there is any reason some Sky Daddy would rip a baby from his mother's womb. I love my other child - she is beautiful and sensational. Though my love for her does not overshadow the love I had for this pregnancy. I cannot just try again and replace that baby like a sack of flour at the grocery store or a carton of eggs.

I am in such a dark place right now.

The following are e-mails I have received which have been helpful. They do not ease the pain, but I feel a connection with these people. Their e-mails have touched me. I am so appreciative of their thoughts, and knowing they are thinking of me during this difficult time. This is all I need: to know someone else cared. To know someone else is reaching out to me. To know I'm not alone, and that the sorrow and devastation, the emptiness I feel, will heal in time. I don't know when this will be, though. Everything is so difficult right now.


What Has Been Helpful:


Sarah,
I am so very very sorry.  You, Kevin, and Emma will be in my prayers.  If there is anything at all that I could do for you, please feel free to give me a call!  (number removed).  If it's ok, I would like to chec on you next week.  But, if you don't feel like it, that is fine.  Again, please let me know if there is anything I can do or help with.  I have been in your place, and again I am so sorry.

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OH NO, Sarah!  I am SO sorry to hear the news of your loss.  You and your family will be in our prayers.  Please take all the time you need.  Sometimes, taking time out for oneself is top priority before being able to move forward in doing anything else for others.

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Hi Sarah,

I'm so sorry your going through this but your a wonderful mommy and will still be after this. I hope that you can be strong and not let this hinder the growth of your family.

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 Hi Sarah,

I am so sorry for your loss, I immediately started crying when I read this email, I cannot imagine what you and your family are going through and am devastated by your sad news. Please, if you need anything or just want to talk, feel free to reach out to me at any time. I wish you peace in the near future, best wishes sweet lady.

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Oh my Sarah!! My heart breaks for you!! You are incredible woman and great Mom!! Be Strong.

If you don't mind I'll keep you in my prayers.

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Oh Sarah,

I am so sorry about this.  I know you guys were excited, including Emma.  If there is anything I can do - take Emma for a few hours so you can have some quiet time - please let me know. 

Thinking of you

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 So sorry to hear about your loss, I have experienced it myself and even though we have only met once if you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to call me. My cell is (number removed).

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Hi Sarah,

I am so sorry to hear you had a miscarriage.  I also had a miscarriage around the same time (8 weeks along) before I got pregnant with (child's name).  The miscarriage was devastating. I know there is not much anyone can say to make you feel better at this point.  Just know that it will get better.  You will start to feel back to your strong sassy self soon.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. 

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 I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Sending hugs your way.

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I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know first hand what you are going through as I miscarried at 18 weeks in a pregnancy before (child's name). Time will ease the pain and sorrow, as will all the love of your family and friends and of course your beautiful Emma. Please let me know if you need anything, I'm happy to help in anyway.
Thinking of you

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HI Sarah, my heart goes out to you. I am very sad to hear this news
I know you were so excited and were trying for quite sometime for a precious sibling for Emma. My friend/coworker just had a miscarriage this past Monday also. There are no words of comfort but just have faith and know you have friends to lean on. If you need anything please dont hesitate to let me know.

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Thank you everyone.